Flashback. Mumbai Mirror Article

My destiny was set when I was six months old.

At my annaprashan ceremony, I sat on my father’s lap and reached out for the one object that would define me today. A pen. Later, when I was trying my hand at filmmaking, my father reminded me that I was wasting my talent and my future was already fixed. How I embraced it, and where I went from there, was my choice.

The annaprashan ceremony or `mukhe bhaat’ that we Bengalis call it, is the first time a child is fed rice. The six month old sits on an elder’s lap, is first blessed and then fed solid food like kheer. It’s followed by a game where the child has to touch one of the symbolic objects placed on a silver plate. The plate has books – symbolizing he’s going to be a philosopher or a very learned man, jewels or coins representing he’ll be a businessman, a pen – signifying wisdom through writing, and grass or soil indicating he’ll be one with the people or a politician. The plate is held up for the child. And his profession is determined by what he touches. 

I didn’t know it at six months, but what kept me sane throughout my life was a diary I penned every night for twenty years. I wrote poems and articles in spiral bound notebooks, my pen being my precious possession. But, I was too inhibited to publish anything. When I finally embraced my destiny, I wrote my debut novel Losing My Virginity And Other Dumb Ideas. The opening chapter I wrote with a pen, sitting in a café and understanding that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

There are some Indian traditions that need to be passed from one generation to another. I’m glad my daughter touched the book at her annaprashan ceremony. I’ll remind her to be wise later!

Love in The Digital Age: The Dos & Breakups

You would think that with all the technology available, it would be easier to find love in the digital age. It’s not. Here are a few tips to get it right.

3 Facebook Rules –

·       Do Not Friend Him First! If you’ve identified someone you like who is a friend of a friend, first ask your friend to mention you offline. Let him send you a friend request. Moreover, even after that, you need to wait for about 24 hours before you accept. Let him know you’re “considering” it.

·       Tagging, Commenting, Liking –If you comment, like or write on his wall every day, he’ll lose interest and run away. Why? Because he will think you’re a stalker who could be more dangerous in the real world than the virtual one. Tagging him in all your photos saying “wish you were here” is screaming hopeless. Comment on birthdays or promotions with a simple Happy Birthday or Congrats. Adding extra exclamations, smileys and “When do we celebrate” makes you look desperate.

·       Statuses - Be careful of adding single, complicated or in a relationship if he hasn’t put it up. Let him take the initiative. Otherwise, you will have to change it soon enough and save face.

Break up Rule: Un-friend him before he un-friends you. Let him know who’s boss! Besides, you don’t want to see him with new women. It’ll only hurt later.

3 Texting Rules –

·       Short and Sweet – If he asks “Wat’s up” you honestly don’t have to give an entire history of your day starting with your maid hasn’t turned up or your mom screamed at you. The rule of thumb is to answer in as many words as he does, or less. The appropriate answer here would be, “Chilling.”

·       TTYL – Always end a conversation first. Be so super busy that those precious moments you gave to him should be a privilege. Always be late for something. Have a spin class in a few minutes, or be attending to some urgent work. After you say the Talk To You Later, don’t specify when. Soon is a good enough answer to make him want to talk to you again.

·       Landline Theory – If you had a landline and were working you would probably chat with the person once if you were in office and once when you finally got home and had finished relaxing. Now since we carry our phones everywhere, people expect to receive answers immediately. Don’t seem eager. A 10 am text means you can wait till 1 to say, “Hey. On a lunch break so cd reply.” Time makes the heart grow fonder!

Break up Rule: Don’t send him angry long explanations about how much you gave in the relationship while he did nothing. It’ll only add to your bill. He’ll probably delete it after reading the first 3 words!

3 Twitter Rules

·       To Follow or Not to Follow – Cute guy. Interesting bio. Seems to follow a few people you know. Still, you need him to follow you first. Make sure that you tweet the correct things to get his attention. You know the common people who he follows will Retweet those things. Make sure he notices. Once he does, give it a few days before you follow him back.

·       DMing – So you’ve started a chat. Now he wants your phone number and email id. Take it slow. Get to know him better. You can learn a lot about a man by his daily tweets. Ask him questions about his tweets to know him better. Wait a few months and then give your number.

·       All the World’s A Stage – Unless you want everyone to know personal details about your life, keep your fights on Watsapp. Making sarcy comments on each other’s timelines means all those who follow both of you are privy to this little drama. Doesn’t show either of you in a good light.

Break up Rule – Un-follow and do not comment about your relationship. It’s nobody’s business to ask you on your timeline. You are not obligated to answer them. Be classy while being digital!

Relationship Advice: Money matters in a marriage: Husband is stingy!

Dear Love Guru,

My husband is very stingy. He refuses to take me to dinners or buy me anything. He gives money to run the house but refuses to splurge on anything else. How do I make him a little generous?

Sincerely,

Pallavi

 

Dear Pallavi,

Money matters are always sensitive in any relationship. Approach this carefully. Ask him about the EMIs he has or investments he has made for the future. Maybe a large chunk of his money goes into savings. Figure out if there is a way you can cut down on the household expenditure in any way. If you save from your end a little bit, you will have enough to splurge on yourself or the family later. Have a frank discussion with him about what his dreams are and what are the short-term goals you both have. If he wants to save for the next twenty years, let him know the things you need on a regular basis to last the twenty years with him. Don’t be too demanding. If you need a vacation, make it a small, budget friendly one. If you want to buy clothes, make sure they’re not designer. If you want to eat out, you can still have romantic dinner with your husband and friends at reasonable places. Also don’t let your peer group pressurize you to live large. Start working and contributing as well. Even if you get a small income, you can spend it on the things you desire instead of continuously asking him. Remember, materialistic things fade with time. A strong relationship remains forever!

Yahoo India's Fab & Fearless Woman

When Gayatri from Yahoo contacted me saying she wanted to do a documentary on me, I honestly thought it was a joke. My life is not exciting. I am a full time writer and mother. Balancing both is not easy but manageable.
But then they decided on a shoot date and the crew came over. I got make up put by a professional and my room was lit up with several heavy duty lights.
And the director said "Action."

What was I supposed to say? I've always been the director. I've directed Juhi Chawla to Sharmila Tagore. I'm shy in front of the camera. The Director was sweet. he asked me questions - Where do I get my inspiration? Since when have I been writing? Does being a mother take away from my writing? And what makes me Fab and Fearless?

They filmed me naturally and kept most of my animated bits!

Felt like a princess for a day. Thanks everyone for buying both my books Losing My Virginity And Other Dumb Ideas and Mistakes Like Love And Sex to make me reach this place where I'm considered a role model for young women.

It actually is a slice from my life. This is who I am. And Yahoo India captured it perfectly. Check out the video http://in.lifestyle.yahoo.com/video/playlist/fab-and-fearless/madhuri-banerjee-084409376.html

You can get the books on Flipkart
http://www.flipkart.com/losing-my-virginity-other-dumb-ideas-1st/p/itmczyrrgrvjzmtg?pid=9780143415121&ref=69be0b5d-3b1a-4fd5-8ca8-b25e252faa44

http://www.flipkart.com/mistakes-like-love-sex/p/itmddsyhpxcn4att?pid=9780143418375&ref=77f611ad-b803-4fcd-a06c-d783335c4524&srno=s_1&otracker=from-search
 

Asian Age Relationship Advice Column: To Get Back With An Ex or Not!

Dear Love Guru,

Recently, my ex and I became friends again. Now he says he wants to get back with me. I’m currently single and don’t know what to do. Please help.

Sincerely,

Rinku

Dear Rinku,

We always have two choices to every dilemma. With each choice, we can expect at least two different results. Choice 1: Go back to your ex. With this, you can expect - Result A: You understand each other and get back into familiar routines. Result B: Start discovering something new about each other. With the first consequence, you will realize again the reasons you broke up. It could be boredom, not meeting expectations, ego hassles, etc. With the second, you will start wondering where he picked up the new bits and pieces of his personality. You will start becoming suspicious, jealous, and possessive and wonder why you couldn’t do those things for him. This will again lead to fights. Choice 2: Stay away from your ex. You have an opportunity to start afresh with someone. Maybe that person hasn’t come into your life yet, but it doesn’t mean he won’t. The Universe is giving you time to understand yourself, what you want and where you want to go instead of crowding your space with another person who you spend all your energy on. This could mean 1: Patience will pay off. 2: You might learn something about life along the way! Nobody stays “friends” with their ex. At best, they can be “friendly.”
 

Quick Sand

A Poem

I am your refuge. A world away from your world. A place that you keep special and sacred. A room you find peace and happiness in. A space that you can be yourself in.

I am your retreat. That holiday that you long for. That time that you need from the stress of daily life. That conversation that livens your mood. That person you want to wake up next to.

I am your shelter. From your boss who you don’t get along with. From the traffic when you’re bored. From your wife when you have nothing to say. From your fears when you can’t voice them.

I am your sanctuary. The end of the road. The distant dream that you already have. The thing that you will come back to. The life that you want to start now.

I am your home. When you are done with work. When life gives you time. When family stops making demands. When you are finally free.

I am your last. Priority. Preference. Prerogative. Person

I am your loss.

Relationship Advice Column: My BF Dumped Me.

Relationship Advice: Taken for granted at home. Lost my identity

Dear Love Guru,

I married my childhood sweetheart and had a child early. Post that I stopped working. Even though I’ve done an MBA and was working in a bank, I haven’t had a job in years. I feel I’ve lost my identity and my family takes me for granted. Please help.

Sincerely,

Kavita

Dear Kavita,

As mothers, we are accustomed to giving constantly. We’re cooking, cleaning, managing a house and dealing with the help on a daily basis. All this requires patience and understanding. Hence, we must start giving ourselves credit for being great homemakers. Not everyone is capable of being so. We must also realize that sometimes we need to stop giving even if we still can. By saying “no” occasionally, you will become a better giver and people will take you less for granted. We submerge our identities in our families wanting them to approve and appreciate us. But by doing do so, we lose ourselves till we’re frustrated and resent them. It’s not their fault that they’re taking you for granted. You allowed it to be so. Either you give with all your heart, or you refuse and let them deal with the issue at that time. You don’t always have to make the child’s favourite food because they demand it. Let her eat what’s there. You don’t need to give all your time to the family just because you have it. Make room for yourself. Start a hobby. Do something constructive and creative that allows you freedom and happiness. You’ll find yourself in no time!

Top 5 Wacky But Useful Ways to Lose Weight:

I've been trying to lose weight to get my navel pierced. Here are some new ways I came up with!

1.      Photos – Seeing someone thin motivates us to try to become like that. That’s why so many fashion magazines sell. Thousands of women want to look like the model, and hope there is some secret pill inside the magazine that will make them as thin. There never is. However, it hardly motivates them to hit the gym and work their big asses off. Therefore, the photos you need to put up on your fridge are not a Cosmo cover but of your close friend/enemy who is thinner than you are. Check out your friends’ facebook profile pics or recent holiday pics. You will find someone thinner than you. Save that photo – print it and put it up. She is real. She has lost it. The Cosmo model is paid to look that way. Logic takes over your brains and you won’t diet. See the friend’s pic. You need to be thinner than her!

2.      Compete – You hit the gym and you’re bored already. Same weights. Same faces. Monotony. So while you’re there you probably faf around with some people showing off your wit, and drink plenty of water. What you need to do is find a person who comes regularly and compete with him. If he’s doing x number of sit-ups, you do more. If he’s using x number of weights, you do the same. It might be stalking but seriously watch how you will train harder. Also, do run fast if he ever catches you staring at him.

3.      Use the kids – Children have tremendous energy and you’re exhausted doing chores around them. Take the kids to a park and tell them to run while you catch them. Race with the children. Play soccer. Do jumping jacks. Skip rope. With younger kids, put them in a stroller and walk around in a park. Just remember, if you don’t have children you should ask permission from other parents if you want to play with their kids. Otherwise just going and asking a child to run is weird!

4.      Mix it Up – Some days you can swim. Other days you can go to the gym. A few days you can do yoga. You don’t need to have the same routine every day to work out. You can be innovative and mix your routines up. A word of advice...stick to doing any exercise. If you think you’ll do yoga in the morning but you’re so lazy that you keep your workout to a jog in the evening and when evening comes you say you’ll go swimming later at night but then end up tired and hungry and just eat dinner and sleep, you’ve missed out on the routine. So if it’s yoga day, move your lazy bum and just do the yoga.

5.      Diet – This is the most important tip. You’ve probably heard it all before though. Don’t eat high calorie food, do not indulge in fats, restrict carbs, and don’t mix proteins. The list goes on. When you ask Google “Ways to Lose Weight,” there are about 39,900,000 results. So you should know by now. But what they won’t tell you is you need to eat everything your body desires in whatever amount your body desires. However, you should only eat 1 bad thing then. So today, you have a bag of potato ships, don’t eat carbs at night, and work out half an hour extra. If you eat that chocolate pastry, don’t have a drink later. Balance your cravings. Controlling portions is out of the question anymore. If you think you deserve it, you are going to eat it. If you think you deserve a better body, you will work for it.

Hilarious Review of Mistakes Like Love And Sex: A Video

Storizen did a review of my book which was hilarious.
Loved the new way to review books.

Thank you guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfumQQeB2gA

 

An Interview with Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni: From one author to another

I remember I was just a teenager in Lucknow when I picked up Chitra Banerjee's Mistress of Spices. I was so enamoured by her writing that I devoured all book shops to find everything that she had written. And since then I have been picking up every book of hers. She writes with an incredible flair and depicts her characters and situations with such intricate textures that one is simply mesmerised by the end of the book.

She has won several awards across the world and won many hearts along her journey. She is warm, friendly and very down to earth. When I met her for the first time at the Jaipur Lit Fest, she was sitting with a cup of chai under a tree most willing to give autographs to whoever recognised her and blushing at the praise when many people wanted to take photographs.

Her latest book Oleander Girl will be released in April in India.

I had the pleasure of interviewing my favourite author. This is the first part of the two part series.

The Interview: Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

1. You have been in the United States for several decades, yet you write about a deep rooted Indian mentality in your books. Is it easier to write about Indian tales and characters than American ones?

My stories deal with people of various racial backgrounds, but it is true that I am most interested in writing about Indians or Indian Americans. My deepest knowledge is of the Indian psyche. My stories are often set in America, so they often depict Indians in an American landscape.

2. How do you take inspiration from your surroundings while writing?

I actually go into the world of the imagination as I write. I like to write in a quiet space in my study with no outside stimulus.

3. Do you think of a plot first or do character sketches?

Character is always most important to me. In Sister of My Heart, I had to first understand the characters of the two cousins, Sudha and Anju, and the character of the old mansion they live in. In Palace of Illusions, I made copious notes about Draupadi, who is the narrator and heroine of the book.

4. What was the one incident that made you want to write? Did you want to do anything else besides be a writer?

I always wanted to teach, and I do that even now. I teach Creative Writing in the University of Houston. My grandfather’s death made me into a writer because I felt a deep need to preserve my memories of him through writing.

5. Do you prefer writing or teaching? Why?

I love them both. Each one complements the other. Because I write, I can teach writing. Because I teach, I read and analyze important new novels carefully.

6. What are the top 3 things that you would teach your writing class that no one in India knows about?

I teach my students to read widely and read as a writer, taking texts apart, analyzing craft techniques and structure. I tell them to write regularly, show their work to someone knowledgeable, and revise carefully. (Writers in India may already know this!)

7. Between poetry, short stories, novels; fantasy, young adult, magical realism, historical fiction, which one is your favourite? What moves you to write one genre over another?

Novels are my favorite. They are very intricate. You create a whole world when you write a novel. I love that challenge.

8. Do you write one book/ poem/ story at a time or are there many thoughts that you pen down together?

One at a time.

9. Tell us the process of writing a book from an idea to culmination. Do you have a structure, characters in mind or is there what writers call an“organic growth” in the thoughts?

I outline and take notes, but then I allow the organic growth to take over.

10. Do you write everyday? If so, where is your favourite place to write? A desk, a room, café?

I write about 3 days a week (I teach the other days). I write at home in my study where it is quiet.

11. How do you overcome distractions while writing? With family and your involvement with non profit organizations, teaching, etc how do you find time to focus and what tips would you give to others who have a busy life to find time for writing?

One needs to set aside time for writing and organize one’s life so that no other responsibilities need to be handled at that time. This might mean waking up early, or writing till late at night. It also helps if we can simplify our life and cut out unnecessary activities.

12. Did you always write what you wanted and it was published or were you commissioned to write books for a particular market?

I always come up with the ideas for my books on my own.

13. When you started writing The Palace of Illusions which is my favourite book, did you do a lot of research and then take the story forward? Was the history a burden while writing? What was the one thing you wanted to keep in mind while writing the book?

Yes, I did a lot of research. Yes, it was hard to organize the material. I kept in mind that I wanted to show how Draupadi is a very human, very timeless woman.

14. Was it difficult to explain the concepts of India – arranged marriage, Draupadi’s vastraharan, the mysteries of family and relationships in India to a foreign audience or students?

Sometimes when I am reading in the above situations, I have to explain and set up the scene. But overall I find readers are intelligent enough to get the human story under the cultural details.

15. Do you ever have a target audience in mind while writing?

No. It’s important just to write the best book possible.

16. Is marketing an important part of your journey as a writer? Or did you write and the book sales managed themselves? Is it easier to sell copies in USA or India?

Nowadays my publisher requests me to go on book tour to help bring the book to many different audiences. Beyond that, I don’t worry much about book sales since they are not in my hands anyway.

Empowering Women is the Only Route to Progress: International Women's Day Special

Was asked to give an interview for an article a friend was writing for merinews.com

The article - http://www.merinews.com/article/a-question-on-womens-day-did-anything-change-after-delhi-gang-rape/15882595.shtml

The Interview I gave:

1. Rallies, protests and what not happened after the horrific Delhi rape incident but did it change ground realities or women still adhere to 'do not dress in a certain way' to feel secure in their country? –

I think life continued. Not much has changed. Until we change the mindset within homes, until we stop judging people, until we’re afraid of authorities, nothing is going to change. The system needs to protect the women. It doesn’t matter if there are less police force per population. Those many should raise fear in the rapists and have compassion for women. Only then, can our nation change.

2. Would women always be helpless? Not equipped with the muscle power, how do women feel secure? –

Women should not feel helpless but they should also understand that looking at life through rose tinted glasses is not going to keep you safe. You must carry a pepper spray if possible, learn some martial arts, protect yourself if you’re walking alone at night in alleys by being aware of who is around, keeping friends informed of where you are, spend a little more in taking a cab back home instead of being overtly brave and using public transport sometimes, learn to not trust strangers as much. I’m not saying do it every day. I’m saying be aware of when you need to. Stop being a good girl and be a safe girl!
3. In the recent budget, the government announced a 'Nirbhaya fund.' will this change ground realities or is it just a politically motivated move by the government?

Even if it is a politically motivated tactic, any fund that helps protect women is good. I’m just worried what would happen if the fund runs out. Would the police officers employed stop protecting women then? Will the transport companies that are only for women stop working? It’s really a stop – gap method to solve the problem. While it will help in the short run, it may not solve the problem completely.

4. Many believe that women empowerment leads to fragmented societies, increase in divorce rates and disintegration of society. So you think it holds any water and what causes the above mentioned problems if not empowerment?

Empowerment is the only solution for progress! Empower each and every woman in your country and your nation can take over the world. Fragmented societies are nothing but old mindsets that are sticking to old beliefs while the progressive minds take a leap into the future.

5. Has the Delhi gang rape changed women in India?

Yes. They are shocked and horrified and upset with the lack of safety that this country provides for them. They are united in their stand to help each other rather than look the other way.

6. There is a massive difference between rural and urban women. Has this changed with the Nirbhaya case?

There will always be a divide. One case can’t change an entire system. But the awareness of safety, rights and privileges has started.

Mistakes Like Love And Sex in The Telegraph T2 Kolkata

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/14-24-07@03@2013.html

How Men are from Mars and Women From Venus: A regular conversation between a married couple

Woman: I got cramps
Man: Well there's nothing I can do abt it
Woman: I know.
Man: Well then why r u telling me?
Woman: U know. Its just information
Man: That's useless information.
Woman: Well then its just a way of communicating.
Man: This is not communication.
Woman: Apparently
Man: Well what's that supposed to mean?
Woman: Its a fuckin argument.
Man: You started it.
Woman: You're a 5 year old.
Man: Does that mean I'm not getting it tonight?

Silence.

Man: So now u don’t want to communicate? Jesus. I just can’t understand women!

Asian Age Love Guru Column: Best Friend & I love the same man

Dear Love Guru,

My best friend and I both like the same man. How do we resolve this?

Sincerely,

Cleo

 

Dear Cleo,

Have you asked the man whom he likes? Suppose he picks your friend over you, will you be okay with meeting them as a couple? Who is more important to you? If you think that your heart is correct and you love the man, you must tell him. Do not wait for him to decide. Be honest with your best friend about how you feel about him. If she still doesn’t want to back down and has the same level of feelings, you have to decide whether your friendship is more important or the feelings in your heart. Also, be patient with yourself. Be friends with the man for a while. Get to know him a little. More often than not, you find that feelings of infatuation fade away. Give your friend leeway to meet him as a friend and get to know him too. If after a month or two, you both decide you still like him and he can’t make up his mind, sit down and talk about the future. You might enjoy the dating part but if it leads to something more serious, then you should be on the same page about what your goals and needs are. Don’t make it abstract. Be certain. Then make up your mind. If nothing goes in your favour, please know that there are many more men for you and patience pays.

Violence Against Women: "She deserved it."

“She deserved it,” the man said with venom and took a sip of his drink. His friend looked at him and asked, “How?”

The man replied, “She’s been doing everything to rile me up, man. She doesn’t manage a house, she barely looks after the kids, she spends all my money. Then when I ask her anything, she shrugs her shoulders and doesn’t reply. She even denies me sex. Me! Her husband. How can she do that? I married the bitch so I could get sex whenever I wanted. And she says no to me!”

“Dude, that’s no way to talk about your wife,” said the friend, “She’s not a toy. She has feelings. If you don’t respect her, love her or pamper her, why would she want to have sex with you? Women are different. They need someone who will talk to them about their day. Not someone who will tell them to drop their clothes when he walks through the door.”

The man at the bar began to shout, “I’m an IIT and an IIM graduate. I can get sex anywhere! But I’m not unfaithful. She should respect me! Could she have done better than me? I’m the bloody crème de la crème. She was lucky I fell in love with her. She got away easy. Otherwise anyone in her place would have at least given me a car at the wedding.”

The friend looked around to see if anyone else had heard, “You just talked about dowry! That’s evil. It’s illegal.”

The man shook his head. He knew that. It’s just that he felt he should have got something from this marriage. It could be material if it wasn’t sexual.

The friend probed further, “Have you tried talking to her?”

The man looked at him incredulously, “I’ve been working and trying to make a living for us. The fat lout sits at home and looks after the two kids that she insisted on having even though I didn’t want more than one. Now she has no time for us. She is always tired, she doesn’t want to go out, and on top of that she wants me to help around the house, do homework, go for family functions and call up damn friends I’ve not spoken to for years. I’m tired. I earn to give my family a great life. I want to be left alone. Give me my food, leave me to my gym, my TV and give me sex every night. What’s to talk about?”

“Is it only about sex?” The friend asked politely unable to understand.

“No man, she’s not only frigid, she’s mental. I’ve told her time and again she needs therapy. She has to go to a psychiatrist to talk about how she has issues with everything. Her dad has enough money to pay for it. She needs to go to the gym too. I’ve told her she’s become so fat after two kids. I keep telling her everyday to push her to go. She’s so unattractive. Not the woman I fell in love with.”

The friend nods, “I understand. But don’t you think by constantly telling her to go to a shrink, or to the gym, it’s killing her self esteem? I mean you loved her for what was inside. By calling her unattractive, you lower her confidence. And she may not want to bond with you emotionally or physically.”

The man shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t care. He’s been told by his parents that he’s the best thing that has happened to them and her. He knows that whatever he’s doing is right.

Suddenly he says, “Oh by the way, her aunt came over the other day. Even she was saying that wifey should try harder in this marriage to please me. She could see that I needed to travel for months for my projects. She tried to explain to her niece to be more patient and understanding. So see, it’s not only I who keeps telling her. Her family also reiterates it.”

The friend is even more shocked. He’s heard enough. “Why don’t you just get a divorce if you hate her so much?”

“Divorce? Why? She just needs to adjust to me. I don’t want to tell everyone in the office or my family that we’re divorced. It affects your career growth. I have to answer to my mother. Then again, she’ll try to get me married. Useless cycle of weddings again.” The man asked the bartender to pour him another shot of whiskey, as he got further drunk. “I can easily have an affair and she won’t even come to know. I delete all my messages. I don’t keep any pictures. I’m a smooth operator. In fact two evenings ago, I kissed the marketing trainee who wanted to learn from me. She is super hot.”

The friend refused another drink. He knew his limits. He had to go home to his live in girlfriend. Not once did he think that he had been “providing” for her by paying the rent. She had her own account and paid for the household expenses whenever she chose to. There was no compulsion. It was a respectful relationship where they had conversations daily, vacations occasionally and arguments hardly. Nevertheless, he was worried that he may turn into his best friend who was quite drunk and had exposed a side that was quite violent. He may never have hit his wife, but he had been cruel to her by thinking extremely repressive and regressive thoughts. If her aunt had reiterated the “Sita syndrome” where a wife has to go through everything her husband tells her to, then her family was also enforcing the violence against her.

He needed to break the pattern. The woman couldn’t do it alone. She needed support.

So he tried talking one last time to his friend, “Sam, you’re an ass. You’re throwing away a great marriage, wonderful kids and the opportunity to grow old with someone for a hot intern who cares less about you than she does about her lunch. Just because your parents told you that you’re God’s gift to women doesn’t mean it’s true. They lied. You need to stop travelling, stop treating your wife as a piece of meat and talk to her. Switch off from your world and focus on hers. She needs support in the house. Just because she isn’t working doesn’t mean you get to treat her with disrespect. She is managing a house and your kids. And even if your didn’t want them, they’re yours. She gave that gift to you. And when you’re old, they will look after you, not your colleagues. Her aunt, is a dumb ass. She probably has watched too many soaps to think differently. Give more Sam. Give your time. Give your money. Worship your wife. She’s not unattractive. She’s loving, graceful, smart, funny, and intelligent. Make her feel beautiful and the sex will improve. Don’t give because you might get something back. Give because it makes you happy, because you need to and because you will die a lonely death if you don’t right now. Work goes away. Friends leave you. Your parents will die. And your cousins will have families of their own. The only person who you can turn to is your partner, your soul mate. Don’t try to improve her. She’s not mental. Everyone has issues. A spouse hears your issues. She may be suffering from post partum depression. She needs love. Stop being selfish. And even if you get married again, if you don’t change yourself, who you are as of right now, you will have the same problems with the new woman as well!”

The friend completed his speech, got up, and walked out of the bar. He realized that maybe nothing of what he said would get through to his friend but at least he had tried. However, the violence was so deep seated that it would take more than a pep talk; it would take a shift in mindset.

We can probably see and recover from physical violence. Mental violence scars us for life. Women do not know if they should stay in a marriage where they’re forced to have sex, where they feel undermined, belittled, tossed aside. Society, parents, offices do not encourage a woman who chooses to walk out of a violent marriage. People don’t like talking about domestic issues.

A Few facts:

·         In 2011 over 12 lakh people committed suicide.

·         22,172 cases of rape were recorded in 2010.

·          8.9% of the total victims of Rape were girls under 14 years of age, while 16.1% were teenage girls (14-18 years) and 57.4% were women in the age-group 18-30 years.

·         There are more than 1000 “honour killings” in India every year.

·         1 in 5 women are suffering from depression in India right now.

·         Forced bonded labour/ human trafficking affect 65 million Indians.

Our society needs to help each other. We need to start talking about it. Otherwise the violence will never end.

Also published on CNN-IBN Blog: http://ibnlive.in.com/group-blog/one-billion-rising/2956/mental-violence-scars-women-for-life/64321.html 

Men's Guide to What Women Say:

1.      What did you say? – If a woman is within hearing distance from you, she has actually heard what you’ve said but she’s given a chance to either change your tone, or change your words. So do think about what you just said and how it could have pissed her off. The safest bet is to reply, “I have no idea honey. I love you!”

2.      Fine – When she’s used that word it is the opposite of fine. It means that you’re really in the dog house for being adamant on a particular subject while arguing with her. When she’s used it with the prefix “I” it means you had better take her out for dinner to figure out what is troubling her since she’s not fine.

3.      Where is this relationship going? – It actually means she wants to get married or get a commitment from you. You need to have a conversation with her about what you both want. If there’s no future with her, now is the time to tell her. If you keep her hanging on for more time, she will soon turn into King Kong and devour your happiness.

4.      I don’t want to talk about it – Hahaha. Fooled you. They rarely say this. Women will always want to talk. Give her a drink and ask her what’s wrong. And then do not give any advice. Just sit and listen to her talk.

5.      We need to talk – What she means is - I need to talk and you need to listen to what I’m about to say and absorb it because I shall question you later. So do not watch TV while she speaks. Do not say- can we talk after the game? What you can say is, “Ok. Why don’t you give me an hour and we can talk at night when my head is a little clear.”

6.      I’m not ready for a relationship right now – What she means is – “Dude seriously? Have you looked in the mirror? Why would I date you?” So you need to spruce up a bit. Figure out your clothes, hygiene, and what she likes. A little reading could help your personality sparkle. Do go up to her again when you’re ready but let her know you’ve moved on. She’ll be after you in a heartbeat!

7.      Your mother… – Anything that begins with those two words means it’s not going to be pleasant. Otherwise, she would have said, “Ma said…” Be prepared to hear the ugly truth about your mother. Do not reply by saying, “You both should figure it out for yourselves. Leave me out of it.” Instead say, “I agree with you honey. Can we discuss this in the morning so I can mull it over tonight?” This buys you time to get out of the tricky situation and her to cool down. By the morning pretend you’ve completely forgotten and say that you mom is batty and she should ignore her. Of course you don’t believe it. But it will give you peace!

 

8.      I don’t feel like having sex – Oh boy, it’s going to be a very long night my dear. Either be prepared to give her tremendous amount of foreplay or just sit and cuddle with her in front of the TV. But do have some physical contact otherwise the next few nights are going to continue with the same statement. Moreover, once a woman can do without something, she doesn’t need it anymore. That’s very dangerous for you.

9.      Do what you want/ Go Ahead – If you really do, you will pay for it. Instead, when she throws this at you ask her, “Well what would you do in my situation?” This makes her feel like she’s in control. After she finishes say, “That’s a good idea. Let me think about it.” Even then, if you do what you want, at least she’ll feel you’re doing it her way.

10.  I’m on a diet – If you’ve taken a woman out to a restaurant and she says this it means you let her order what is less calorific for her. And you order something that has medium calories. Example- she’ll order a grilled plate of something but still crave better food. You can order a burger with baked potato. So she can share the potatoes while you still eat your heavy burger. You must order a dessert and split it.

11.   There’s no magic left – I’m bored. You need to take the initiative and plan a vacation with her or sweep her off to a hotel for one night to get her away from daily domesticity. If she has mentioned this post coitus you better read 50 Shades of Grey and see if she wants to do anything from there!

 

12.  Do you really want me to go? – She doesn’t want to go but will do so if it’s important to you. If it comes before you introduce her to your friends then she doesn’t like them and you should schedule a separate boy’s night where your woman and your friends don’t need to interact.

13.  Never Mind/ Forget it – That should now be the last thing on your mind. Do not forget what has just happened. Ever. It will come back to haunt you. As soon as this is said, make it up to her immediately. Put on her favourite song and remind her of some old memory of hers when she was thin and pretty. It will distract her from her current crappy mood and take you out of the trouble zone.

14.  NO – The end. Nope. You cannot argue further. It’s final. You should seriously shut up now.

15.  I love you – This comes from the heart. There are no games. She’s opened up her soul to you. Also she could be asking for jewelery. So check your calendar if it’s Valentine’s Day yet.

http://www.rediff.com/getahead/slide-show/slide-show-1-specials-vday-things-women-say-and-what-they-mean/20130212.htm